Dave Barry

I'm lifting weights - one hot dog at a time

ATLANTA -- It was late Thursday night -- actually, it was early Friday morning -- at the Olympic track stadium. About four hours earlier, Michael Johnson had obliterated the world 200-meter record, scorching down the track so i Michael-Johnson-shaped hole.

But now the crowd was gone; there was nobody left but security people and a few dozen sports writers bent over their laptop computers, trying to think up new ways to say ``fast.'' Three of us journalists decided to go down to the track and get up on th And thus it was that I found myself standing on the very spot where the world's greatest track-and-field athletes had been receiving their gold medals. And do you know what I was thinking? Do you know what ran through my mind as I stood on that histori I thought: ``I hope my body weight does not cause this historic podium to collapse.''

This was a definite possibility, the way I've been eating at the Olympics. I spend a lot of time sitting in press boxes, watching world-class athletes exert themselves while I chomp on hot dogs containing enough cholesterol to clog every artery in Nort So here I am, looking like a blimp wearing a press credential. And to make matters worse, I'm developing severe Body Envy from looking at all these world-class athletes with all their ridiculously perfect bodies. There are entire national TEAMS here wi I especially hate the male swimmers and divers, who, in addition to being Greek gods, wear these ridiculously tiny ``Speedo''-style bathing suits that are approximately the size of a contact lens. I bet if you went into the locker room, you'd see swimm I myself wear a style of bathing suit known as ``trunks.'' This style has an important safety feature: When you jump into the water feet-first, your suit develops pontoon-size air bags, which keep you afloat until lifeguards can arrive and administer e I am also intimidated by the uniforms worn by the male track athletes. Technically, these uniforms cover more surface area than the Speedos, but they're the thickness of Saran wrap, only more revealing. I do not wish to be crude here; suffice it to say It's not just we male sports writers who suffer from Body Envy. Women reporters here say they're severely intimidated by the bodies of the female athletes. For example, a French woman sprinter won two gold medals wearing an incredibly tight uniform tha What I want to know is: Why is it fair for these people to have bodies like that? Why can't WE have bodies like that? What did WE ever do to deserve turning into big walking barrels of Spam? Think about it! I'd help you, but I really need another hot dog.

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